CNN
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For many parents, “Is this normal?” the game starts early. I have sent question after question to family and friends and of course, all concerned parents ask our friend no. 1, Google.
Is it normal that my fetus is not moving much in the morning? Is it normal for my baby not to nap? Is it normal that my 6 year old can’t read? Is it normal that my 10 year old only lost four baby teeth?
For all the talk of helicopter parents and their snowflake kids, most parents I know are more worried about whether their child’s development will be deemed normal by experts than whether they’re raising a prodigy.
When the teenage years arrive, “Is this normal?” instinct can go into overdrive. Adolescence is characterized by many changes, including those that appear physically and, their more challenging counterpart, those that appear emotionally. The mood and deep feelings are intense, and — for parents concerned about the mental health of teenagers in the wake of the pandemic — cause for panic in the middle reports of increased depression and anxiety in adolescents.
But difficult feelings are often nothing to worry about, according to psychologist Lisa Damour in her new book, “Adolescent Emotional Lives: Growing Connected, Competent, and Compassionate Adolescents.Not only are sadness and worry a healthy and natural part of being a teenager, but the ability to experience these feelings (without parent panic) and learn how to cope with them is developmentally necessary.
CNN spoke with Damour about why we’ve become less tolerant of big feelings, how to handle them when they arise, and ways parents can and can’t help.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: You want to help parents distinguish between a teen in a mental health crisis, which is more common now, and a teen who is sad and moody but not in crisis. Why is this important?
Lisa Damour: We certainly have an adolescent mental health crisis, and part of what’s contributing to the crisis is not only that adolescents have suffered from the pandemic, but also that we don’t have a clinical workforce to provide the care they deserve.
But not all children who are in psychological distress have mental health concerns. Psychologists see them as two different things, and although it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved, typical adolescent development comes with many psychological concerns. My goal in writing this book was to support parents in recognizing the difference between the worry that is natural to being a teenager and when a teen may be dealing with a mental health concern.
CNN: How do you know the difference?
Because of love: Psychologists fully expect to see distress in people, and especially in teenage people. When we worry is how that worry is managed. We want to see that teenagers can manage anxiety in a way that doesn’t harm themselves or others. This can include talking about feelings with people who care for them, finding healthy ways to deal with worry, and finding habits that help them find relief.
What we don’t want to see is them finding relief through something that comes with a price, things like using a substance or harming others.
The next time we worry is when an emotion is calling all the shots, like when they’re so anxious that their anxiety is driving all their decisions, or so sad that depression is hindering their typical forward development.
CNN: Why is it so hard for parents to see difficult feelings, including sadness and anxiety, as part of a healthy adolescence?
Because of love: There is a lot of commercial marketing about health that can give people the impression that they are only mentally healthy or their children are mentally healthy if they feel good, calm or relaxed. This is not an accurate definition of mental health.
Also, in the wake of the pandemic, what I’m observing is that parents saw their children go through an extremely difficult time and are now surrounded by headlines about ways teenagers especially suffered. It makes sense that parents are feeling more concerned than ever about their teenagers experiencing emotional distress.
In light of what we’ve all been through and what our children have been through, it can be very difficult to get used to the idea that restlessness can be a sign of a teenager’s mental health. If a guy’s heart is broken and he’s very sad and in a lot of pain, that’s evidence that he’s working as he should. If a child is unprepared for a test and it is coming quickly, and she feels anxious – this is unpleasant, but appropriate.
One of the aims of this book is to prove that mental distress is not only inevitable – it is part of mental health and experiencing it is part of how children grow and mature.
CNN: Many of us feel forever lacking in time. How does this affect how we tend to our teenagers’ emotional distress?
Because of love: As much as we can theoretically appreciate that teenagers will be upset and have bad days, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with at night when the parent is tired and the teen is having a meltdown. At that point, the very expected and well-intentioned response is for the parent to want to relieve the stress and jump into counseling and problem-solving so that the teen doesn’t feel this way again. But parents find that it doesn’t work as well as they hope it will.
CNN: You point to deep listening as a better approach, which is often not as easy as it might seem. What is it?
Because of love: A metaphor that I find helps us to listen is to imagine that you are an editor and your teenager is your reporter. They’re reading you an article and when they get to the end of it, it’s your job to produce the headline.
This exercise helps us tune in to what a teenager is saying and listen and distill what he is communicating. It also prevents us from doing what we often do, which is to have an idea and wait for the kids to stop so we can share it.
If you have a good title, teenagers often feel fully heard and get all the support they need. And even if you don’t know it, teenagers know us well and know when we are listening and giving them support without an agenda and trying to understand what they are really saying.
What helps anyone experiencing hardship, but especially teenagers, is to experience compassion. It is such a generous gesture to listen to someone.
CNN: Does all emotional processing have to be verbal?
Because of love: There are many other healthy ways children regulate emotions besides talking. Listening to mood-matching music is a highly adaptive way to regulate as the experience of listening to music catalyzes emotions from them. Teens also vent their emotions physically—by going for a run, jumping on a trampoline, or banging on drums. Sometimes they will download them through creative channels like drawing or making music.
As adults, we shouldn’t discount the value of emotional expression that brings relief, even if it doesn’t come in the verbal form we’re more used to.
CNN: Should parents ask to join? Listen to music with them or run away?
Because of love: No, because what we ultimately want is for our teenagers to become autonomous in dealing with their difficult feelings.
